Special Holiday Tips for Relative Parents

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#996699" TEXT="#080000" background="040b85a3.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>West Virginia Relatives as Parents Program</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="West Virginia Relatives as Parents Progr"><B>home</B></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id31.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="How to Read With a Child">How to Read With a Child</A>   |   <B>Special Holiday Tips for Relative Parents</B>   |   <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="What Does Loss Mean to Grand Families?">What Does Loss Mean to Grand Families?</A>   |   <A HREF="short_articles_on_child_beha36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Family Financing for Grand Families">Family Financing for Grand Families</A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#996699" TEXT="#080000" background="04107053.jpg"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 width="100%" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Special Holiday Tips for Relative Parents</I></div> <div>  </div> <bR> <div> For most people the holidays are happy times, but for many kin or grand families, these special days can bring on strong feelings of sadness, anger loss, or guilt over past actions. Talk to a support group member, a friend, or counselor to help you work through your feelings.  <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >Keep holidays simple and don’t be </FONT>tempted to compensate for the losses <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >grandchildren have endured. You don’t </FONT>need to plan the perfect holiday in order for your grandchild to feel loved. You CAN feel good knowing that you are able to support, protect, provide for, and love your grandchildren. Consider taking your child to visit</div> <div> their parent. Whether or not children have regular or infrequent visits with their parents, maintaining contact is important. It helps your child feel loved and connected . Talk with the parent in advance of the visit, when they are sober, and the <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >children can’t hear you. Review your </FONT>visitation rules <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >–</FONT>including no visiting if the parent shows up drunk or high. It istempting to let rules slide on special oc<FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >casions, but if you stick to them, you’ll </FONT>have a more pleasant visit and create a good family memory. Try to anticipate problem situations.</div> <div> Parents who can’t take care of their chil<FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >dren often feel guilty and ashamed. They </FONT>may make promises they can’t keep, try to provide gifts they can’t afford, or fail <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >to show up for a scheduled visit. They might pick fights with family members to cover their feelings of shame and sadness. They might get drunk before a visit </FONT>because they’re nervous or feeling bad and don’t know how else to cope. <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >Plan a relaxed visit in a location you feel comfortable with that is within the rules of any court ordered visitation. If possible, plan low key activities for the parent and child to do together (for example, cooking or making decorations). Tell the parent what your child has been doing lately, some of his favorite foods, TV shows, activities, etc. Encourage the parent to bring a small gift for each child. A hand made card or something from a dol</FONT>lar store can be a child’s most cherished <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >gift when it is given by their parent. Even if a parent is in a long term drug treatment or in prison, your child can have a holiday visit. Many children imagine the worst about their parents, and seeing them healthy and safe can be a relief. Talk to children in advance about the visits. Ask them what kinds of things they would like to do. Help them be realistic about what to expect. If you think the parent may not show up, or if you expect trouble, talk about that with the child. You </FONT>might say something like, “Your mom is</div> <div> excited about the visit and I want you two to have a great time, but we know that <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >sometimes in the past, she hasn’t always been able to make it to visits. Why don’t </FONT>we plan something to do just in case your <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >mom isn’t able to make it?” </FONT>Expect your child to have both good and bad feelings at times during the holidays - excitement, nervousness, sadness, and anger. They may show these feelings by acting out or becoming withdrawn.</div> <div> Help them put words to their feelings. <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >You can’t shield your child from life ex</FONT>periences, but you can be there for them. Be accepting and help them work through their negative feelings.</div> <div> <I>Adapted from Holiday Tips for Grandparent Caregivers</I></div> <div> <I>written by Kim Sumner-Mayer, Kinship Children</I></div> <div> <I>of Alcoholics Foundation, an affiliate of Phoenix</I></div> <div> <I>House. (Keeping In Touch, Issue VII Winter</I></div> <div> <I>2002, Brooklyn Grandparents’ Coalition newslet</I><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><I>ter)</I></FONT></div> <div> <I>December 2005 Volume 3, Issue 2</I></div> <bR> <div> <B>ldren</B></div> <div> <B>for a relative, a</B></div> <div> <B>RAPP group may</B></div> <div> <B>just be the thing</B></div> <div> <B>for you.</B></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>