What Does Loss Mean to Grand Families?

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#996699" TEXT="#080000" background="040b85a3.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>West Virginia Relatives as Parents Program</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="West Virginia Relatives as Parents Progr"><B>home</B></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id31.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="How to Read With a Child">How to Read With a Child</A>   |   <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Special Holiday Tips for Relative Parent">Special Holiday Tips for Relative Parents</A>   |   <B>What Does Loss Mean to Grand Families?</B>   |   <A HREF="short_articles_on_child_beha36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Family Financing for Grand Families">Family Financing for Grand Families</A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#996699" TEXT="#080000" background="04107053.jpg"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 width="100%" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>What Does Loss Mean to Grand Families?</I></div> <div>  </div> <div> A grand (kinship) family may face many different types of loss. These may include the following:</div> <bR> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Death </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >— </FONT>a very clear loss.</div> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Traumatic, multiple, and complex losses </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >–</FONT>such as the loss of home and family separation .</div> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Ambiguous loss </B></I>- loss of hopes and dreams for your children or the loss of retirement plans and dreams.</div> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Multiple life changes happening all at once </B></I>- financial problems, divorce, raising grandchildren.</div> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Stigmatized loss </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >–</FONT>illness or substance abuse that carries negative social stigma resulting in loss of social support.</div> <bR> <div> Grieving is natural and healthy for children, but the experience can also be painful and frightening. A <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >child’s anger or defiant behavior may be related to the </FONT>loss she is experiencing. Grief may be gradual and even lifelong for children and revisited as they move through each developmental stage. Both children and adults must grieve to recover from a loss, but they may not be able to for the following reasons:</div> <bR> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">At the time of loss, we often need to focus on survival which leaves little time to focus on feelings.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Alcohol and drug misuse blocks recovery.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The belief that we must keep a “stiff upper lip” <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >keeps us from talking about feelings. Grandparents may be afraid to talk about what happened because they fear they may lose control of their feelings.</FONT></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Some losses are not recognized by others and expression of grief is not socially acceptable.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Loss sometimes requires making changes in family roles, authority, and routines.</div> <bR> <div> There are many stages of grief and each individual goes through them at their own pace. One way to think about grief is that anything mentionable is manageable.  Many families are able to grieve and cope in healthy ways.</div> <div> Here are a few healthy ways to grieve:</div> <bR> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Open communication </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >–</FONT>type and level of communication should be age appropriate; be consistent and provide a safe haven.</div> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Increase your feelings of competency </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >–</FONT>caregivers need to feel competent in their ability to connect to community resources and services.  Seek out resources in your community such as counselors, support groups, and even a traumatic loss expressive arts program that may include art, poetry, music, movement, drama, or writing for children.</div> <div> <I><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Take care of yourself. </B></I>Participate in counseling, bereavement groups and or therapy if needed <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman" >–</FONT>some caregivers may not feel it is ok to go outside the family or church. Find help that is sensitive to cultural and ethnic belief and individual grief coping styles.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Adapted from September 2005 Generations United conference </I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="TimesNewRoman,Italic" ><I>presentation, “Effectively Addressing Grief and Loss: Every Kinship Family Faces Loss” by Deborah Langosch, PhD, LCSW, Project Director, Jewish Board of Family & Children’s </I></FONT><I>Services, New York City and Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT Kinship Care Outreach Manager, Children of Alcoholics Foundation, New York City.</I></div> <bR> <div> <B>Check Your Feelings Worksheet</B></div> <bR> <div> When someone important in your life dies or leaves, it is difficult to sort out your feelings, and it doesn't help to be told how to feel. Even if others do not understand why you feel the way you do, you can recognize your own feelings and work through them. If you know someone who is grieving, try not to question why he feels the way he does. Instead, allow adults and children to express their feelings verbally.</div> <bR> <div> You can use the worksheet below to open communication.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel angry when ___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel happy when ___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The most embarrassing thing that has happened to me was __________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The feeling we don't talk about in my family is __________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I felt silly when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I was proud when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">It hurts my feelings when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I was really upset when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I was glad when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I was so scared when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel mad when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel calm when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I get frustrated when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">My happiest family memory is___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel angry at my sister/brother when _____________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel confused when___________________.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc00000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I felt discouraged when___________________.</div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>